What up, Pigeon Handlers?
Saturdays, am I right? Some say they are for the boys. Some say they are for chores. If you are like me and occasionally have no clue what to do on Day 1 of the Weekend*, have no fear! Today, I woke up with a purpose…I was not going to devote my day to lounging in my recliner Bertha and I was going to perform a service For the People. Also, I have some serious chores I am procrastinating.
*Disclaimer: Day 1 of the Weekend is arbitrary. There are a handful of you out there who actually have 9-5 M-F work schedules. Congratulations. The rest of us with our oilfield 10 on-4 offs, nurse’s nights, and farmer’s “if the sun is up, I’m working” schedules hate you.
But what service? I decided that anything that I could suggest for you to do on your Saturday would be highly opinionated and you might not like it. That’s when it hit me, let fate decide.
“How is that going to work?” You ask yourself, skeptical yet intrigued.
Three words: Effin’ Tarot Cards.
“Do you have any idea how those things work?” You follow up, less intrigued and more skeptical.
Not a freaking clue, but by golly I am determined to not do anything I need to do [like sit in a tractor] by any means necessary. Hence, I made a little trip to the bookstore and picked up the beginners guide and deck to Tarot.
You may be thinking that the beginner’s pack comes with instructions and you would be right. But this is Tierra Negra Fiction and the Interweb Carrier Pigeons and I fly by the seat of our own drum.
I’m not taking this too seriously and neither should you. This is all for entertainment purposes. Also, I watched a documentary on Netflix about these things, so I know the jist of it. So without any further to do what so ever, lets get to it. Time is ticking away and you need to know what you are going to do tonight.
Discarding the rules, I decided to keep the place mat to give us a little structure. Step one apparently is the Present Position. This is the “atmosphere in which the Pigeon Handler is currently working and living”
Pretty accurate, I would say. Dude or Lady blindfolded after watering the front yard and hands tied up. All those swords? All the options that you can’t seem to decide on for your Saturday evening.
“Let’s take the kid’s to a movie!”
“I wanna take my pooch out for a run!”
“I wanna go hit up the clubs!”
Exactly, a world full of too many things to do. Let’s narrow that down.
This step “Shows the nature of the influence or obstacles which lie just ahead for the Pigeon Handler”
Obstacles you say? Yea, we’ve all been there. You are clearly ready to start picking up all your gardening tools after a long day of yard work and wouldn’t you know it? All your “helpers” suddenly want to let you do all the heavy lifting while they are Instagramming a neat bug they found in a puddle. We see you over there Susan.
Of course you have a plan! That’s why you are here! This shows “the goal or destiny of the Pigeon Handler. Indicates the best that can be accomplished given the existing circumstances.”
Despite your friends and family flaking out when it was time to clean up, you still want them to be apart of your evening. Thus, after a stern scolding,you load them and all your tools into the boat and cross the puddle on the way to the garage. Note, remember to turn the hose off. There is such a thing as overwatering your yard.
“Shows major events and influences which existed in the past and upon which present events are based for the Pigeon Handler.”
That’s when you realize that as a child, you always wanted to learn how to juggle. You even travelled a long distance, but could only manage to work with two objects.
“Shows recent events that have influenced the Pigeon Handler’s present situation”
That recollection reminded you just last week that you had to pick up all those sticks by yourself after the winds blew in and realized that even though your “helpers” really didn’t “help”, it was better than doing it by yourself and you cease being upset with them.
The Pigeon Handler
This “shows the Pigeon Handler’s present position or attitude. Attempts to place the PH in the proper perspective.”
After getting everything put away, you get all spiffed up. Yes, you are all going out together. But Johnny and Carl really didn’t pull their weight, so you and you alone get to choose what ya’ll get to do. No matter how much Carl whines.
“Shows the PH’s influence on other people and events. Reveals tendencies and factors with respect to other people which may have an effect on the questioner.”
Just as everyone is about to get ready, Mixxy [your family pet] decides to pick up that M&M wrapper off of the floor. Not today, Mixxy. Mama didn’t get all done up for a trip to the vet. Your peers, whether they are friend or family, are all reminded that you are a BMF and don’t take no shit. Not even from Mixxy.
“Shows the inner hopes, hidden emotions, and secret desires, fears and anxieties of the Pigeon Handler, including future thoughts.”
You have put a lot of effort into this evening. Nobody better ruin it by ditching their clothes.
“The culmination of blah blah blah.”
“What should I do tonight?”
From my rudimentary evaluation of this card, that looks like a late night movie if I’ve ever seen one. Brightly colored poster? Check. Standing in line? Check. When have you ever been inside of a movie theater that didn’t feel like you were in a remote rebel base on the frozen planet of Hoth?
“But what movie?”
That’s up to you. And I mean you, Pigeon Handler. Sure, you’ll drag your buddies or your gal pals or the whole fam-damnly along, but this night is yours. They should have helped today if they wanted a say in the entertainment for tonight. I say pick that movie that you have been dying to see. Are little Timmy and Greta going to be audibly disappointed? Are Tina and Sven going to be over dramatic as you drag them along every step of the way? Yes. But this is your night. You earned it.**
I just realized that I skipped Section 6. But the cards don’t lie. We’ll do a little better next time. Until then, go enjoy your movie.
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